It has come to my attention that I could really do with a shag.
I suppose this is rather too much information, and is probably exacerbated by listening to what amounts to audiobook erotica while trying to get my work done for my deadline…..but all the same.
I could really do with a shag.
Problem is, as I have mentioned before, I do not want a relationship at the present time.
I realize that I hardly need a relationship to procure generous amounts of sexual body friction, I could try to arrange a one night stand or a casual fling….but I don’t really enjoy the idea of either.
To me, sex requires trust, and I do not trust people I don’t know, particularly if they want to fuck me. I wouldn’t trust someone to get me a drink without surveillance, why would I trust them with vulnerability?
On a side note, I wish I could get through a post without sounding like a pretentious twit. Its quite irritating.
So back to my point, about sex…. I’ve realized that the people I would prefer to have sexual relations with are mostly good friends. But its awkward because its not… it doesn’t seem like the normal way people go about these things. I don’t want a romantic relationship with them, or for things to be awkward. I’d prefer to forego the sex instead of making things irredeemable.
I don’t lust after them either, there is no ‘by god the lust is driving me onward…I MUST FUCK THEE’ place.
I’m trying to analyze why I feel this way. Because it seems like I’m feeling things wrong. Or that I’m wrong, which generally makes me analyze societal brainwashing and social roles.
To articulate how I feel, its more like….’I trust you with vulnerability and awkwardness and I think we’d have a fun time and it would be gratifying and amusing’ mixed with ‘you know, I truly wouldn’t mind seeing you naked and attempting to bring you to orgasm, but its not really a requirement or a pressing need, still its sort of on the table if you are interested’….but I don’t know if that would go over well. Also, its not all of my friends either, just some that arouse some level of sexual interest, but nothing meriting a romance.
Theoretical sex is so much easier than navigating into real sex. Perhaps I don’t have enough practice. Scratch that, I know I don’t. Its been four years since I had a relationship with rabbit style copulation, and I haven’t really sought it since. I’m too lost in my head most of the time to feel comfortable negotiating a sexual experience. I can mentally fuck myself ten ways from sunday, but allowing myself to be sexually vulnerable with someone… is really fucking difficult.
I probably have a host of issues surrounding this, some rot about feeling like my first sexual partner used me and my latest ex didn’t listen to my needs and disregarded my boundaries. (Honestly, they said THE WORST thing to me during our single sexperience. ‘Stop thinking, if it feels good just do it’… for some people this may be sexy, but it fills me with revulsion. I’m a very headspace type of person, so telling me to turn that off just …. shows how much they didn’t know me) So I’d probably be complete rubbish at negotiating into a sexual escapade with a friend, but the thought does linger.
Still, I feel a little wrong today. Because society says that you should fuck people you are romantically interested in. Or sexually invested in? Lusting over? I do hope to one day meet someone that I have ‘must rip your clothing off and touch you all over and memorize the lines of your trapezius’ pantsfeelings for. But at the moment….. I want to get off with people I feel safe with. I want there to be no consequences for exploration and experimentation. I don’t want to be tangled in a longterm primary monogamous relationship with them, I just want a longterm friendship with occasional sex.
People say sex changes everything, ….. I don’t want to risk my friendships for something so trivial, but at the same time, its such a gamble with new people. Am I callous? lazy? unwilling to invest the time to cultivate a new relationship of the type I am looking for? It feels wrong to try and groom a friendship that way. ‘Hello, I’d like to be your friend, also I would rather enjoy it if we occasionally got off together and flirted but please don’t expect a primary monogamous romance because frankly I’m not really interested in that so please don’t fall in love.’…..it sounds horrible. Like I’m using them for sex and nothing else….and I would never do that to a person.
The beauty of friendship is in the history and the shared experience. I don’t want sexual intimacy with someone who just…. fucking doesn’t get me. I don’t want to have to explain myself over and over and over until I find someone who fits my requirements. It sounds so clinical and the epitome of ‘not fine’ that I just can’t let myself.
I think its a safety thing. When I was in highschool I decided that I wanted to lose my virginity to a close friend, not a romantic partner. That didn’t happen but I did spend months considering the idea. I think I just didn’t have the guts to go through with it. To actually ask and negotiate and then engage. I don’t let myself be sexual with a lot of people. The minute someone new starts hitting on me its like part of my brain turns off and I just start acting completely ignorant, as if the situation is way over my head and oh my you can’t possibly mean that in a sexual way, how positively strange.
I loved to flirt, still do, but ….. not seriously. Not when it could lead to something serious or put up expectations I have no desire to honor.
I vaguely wonder if my dad’s worry that I have a fear of intimacy might be correct. Or perhaps I want to be intimate, just not with traditionally intimate partners. I want the closeness of a relationship without the ties of a romantic One and Only primary thing.
Sex with friends is like….you have the closeness and the relationship and the intimacy of shared experience, but without the constraints and expectations of a Primary Monogamous Relationship. You don’t have to call everyday or plan date nights. You don’t have to work out all of the minute puzzles that allow you to slot them into your life as a Primary. Primary’s take up so much space, I don’t have room in my life or my head for that right now. God I sound so callous its disgusting.
Another thing I would like about friendsex is that I can fantasize about anyone and not feel like I have to work a partner into my fantasy. (I’m notoriously bad at that, I always feel like a fantasy should leap from where I am now in life…. so working partners into it is always a pain in the ass. How do you justify ‘well I decide to move to england to fuck the Weasley twins’ when you have to fit a bloody partner into it. Kills the mood. Maybe its from some weird idea of being monogamous even in fantasy… regardless, I hate it.)
Sometimes I wonder if I’m built funny. I also wonder how many puns I’m going to get out of my name before I get bored.