Having another episode of ennui, I suppose thats the only real word I can find to describe it.
I woke up at 9, intending to go back to work on my …well work. Instead I have spent hours reading random things and feeling paralyzed by ….ennui.
I started reading about various forms of depression, but I can’t find anything that fits what I experience. I have some form of depression and take some meds for it, but these episodes are weird. Its like my brain is suddenly so stuffed that I can’t function. That the words become so muddled that they are no longer words and are just… grey. Its not like the fog I usually experience, at least I don’t think so. My periods of ‘ennui’ are more notable in my inability to move or do anything. Its like I’m trapped in my body and I’m telling it to move and I still won’t do it.
But I don’t feel hopeless, a symptom that is mentioned a lot in the articles I read. I don’t have low self esteem. I’m just..
Its like I’m being crushed by the sheer amount of choices and actions out there. So much that its easier to just not move at all. To just let it happen and let the time pass. Do nothing. Simply. Stop. Being. Here.
These periods are generally …. I spend time just staring into space, part of me trying to force myself to get up and do something goddammit, part of me feeling like everything is too much effort, too much input, too much action and information. Too many choices. I had that problem as a child actually, I had problems with creative writing because I was paralyzed into inaction by the infinite amount of choices I could make. A story is like a blank slate and I couldn’t make the choice to go anywhere, so I stayed where I was, completely overwhelmed into mental molasses. Its like my brain is stalling. Like when your computer refuses to work fast because its trying to do all these other activities.
I keep having ‘could’ thoughts.
I’m a little worried this may be a side effect of one of my meds. I take Lyrica and while I’m prescribed 1-3 tablets, if I take more than one my brain function slows to the point where I can’t read a single sentence and comprehend it. Its like my attention span is that of a goldfish. Its scary as hell because I can’t finish a single sentence, in my own head! It scares the hell out of me and I wonder if perhaps these periods of ennui are somehow related.
Or maybe its related to my sleep patterns. I have a very very very fubar internal clock. I get up at different times pretty much everyday. I can sleep from 6 hours to 20 with no real rhyme or reason to it. Perhaps my brain isn’t getting the amount of time it needs to settle everything in and instead decides to stall my brain into inactivity when I’m awake.
I wonder if you can feel your muscles atrophy. If I don’t move from this position, will I be able to feel it? Its odd, if I have an itch I’ll move to scratch it instinctually, but anything that requires decision making makes me stall and remain paralyzed in the moment.
I should meditate. I think it would help a lot.
Writing this up has helped quite a bit too.