In literature, life, and of course fanfiction, there is the endless debate over what words to use to describe objects that continually show up on the same page or in the same paragraph. For instance you might call your character Sam – if that is his name – or Victor, Mr. Henshaw, the poet, the soccer star, the blonde, the brunette, the dashing rogue, Vickie, Vinny, or Vivian.
However it is the debate over something much more awkward that is our topic of conversation today.
What exactly do you call a penis?
Note: I read a lot of erotica, or as I like to call it – porn. I read porn. A LOT of porn. I have been reading porn for around ten years, or there abouts, and thus can discuss it with some vague faux credibility.
For would a Penis by any other name still be a massively overestimated engorged piece of social fixation? Probably.
But depending on the language you decide to use (and abuse), the phallic object attached between a man’s legs can be interpreted in many different ways, particularly in the art of writing erotica.
Word choice in fiction has to be deliberate, its like colors on a canvas, you have to convey mood with the choices you make. You probably wouldn’t want the dramatic culmination of your erotic seen to suddenly cause the reader to gag at the mental image of a truncheon instead of a penis, their tingly parts would probably decide to go hide inside them for a few hours at least.
In erotica, word choice is especially significant because different words for the phallus (if the phallus is involved at all, mmm lesbian sex, yum) can alter the mood significantly.
“Oh god, fuck me! I want to feel your cock inside me” gives off a very different feel to “Please let me feel your diddly” or “Your man muscle makes me melt”
So now, for your reading pleasure…
Ann’s Best and Worst synonyms for Penis for use in literature
Cock – Cock will always be the best. Its straightforward, simple, and has great consonants. Short too. Just say it out loud. Cock. Cock cock cock. It also has the benefit of being one of Carlin’s ‘part-time’ filthy words. Only part time! You can cock something up (meaning: to really fuck something up). You can cock your head to the side! You can even go to a farm and see the cock crow at dawn! Cock is a lovely wonderful word for your penis, and I highly recommend it. It has the Ann Stamp of approval! (Just let me get the branding irons out of the fire and we’ll have a go at it)
Dick – Less pretty, but still usable. Still sounds a bit like a juvenile insult though. “He’s being a Dick.” Also it is the unfortunate nickname for men named Richard, however the endless amounts of ‘Private Dick’ jokes you can make… makes it a possibility, if only for the terrible puns.
Neither Good nor Bad:
Length – I am ambivalent about this word. Also, why length? Does the patriarchy really need to delude/stroke themselves more than they already do? I suppose calling it a short wouldn’t have quite the gravitas though. This one is vague enough to be pleasant really, not too literal or frivolous.
Member – This reminds me of cultish organizations. Oh wait, thats a different kind of member. Its a bland word but not to be ignored, particularly in fiction that lacks the ever so exciting element of dirty talk.
Prick – Straightforward, literal. I wouldn’t say this is my favorite (COCKS), however I would say that its decent. It does have the same ‘jerk’ definition of ‘dick’, but both words are a man’s wood first and an annoying moron second. (Although that can be debatable)
Worst of the regularly seen:
Rod – I cannot tell you how awkward I find this word to be in erotic literature. Are you fucking someone with your dick or a fishing pole. The images are quite scarring, so make up your mind. Rod also brings to mind the handles of old mops. Really not something you want engaged in coitus with tender parts.
Mushroom Headed Fuck Stick – I have no idea if this was ever used, but a friend suggested it. I’m assuming this means she saw it used somewhere….
Turgid Member – Sounds like a white water rafting aficionado. I generally like ‘Member’ but turgid, while technically accurate (Penis’s swell) but the whole distended, congested, bombastic part of the definition makes me think of a runny nose, not a leaking lovely.
DiscoStick – Unless you are covering yourself in Glitter – or have the unfortunate luck of having the last name Cullen (shiver) – this feels inappropriate. This term is truly ONLY appropriate if you are having wild crazy sex with Lady Gaga or Adam Lambert…. If you are, I suggest you go shake that groovay disco stick (and take photos so I can live vicariously).
Beaters Bat – Ummm awkward as hell in the Potterverse. Please Don’t. The mental image is scarring. George Carlin states that nothing should be placed in the arse (or vagina) that is larger than a fist and less loving than a dildo. Check it?
Pud – dle? As in the one you left on the floor when you came prematurely? I’m not really sure where the term pud comes from, but it sounds kinda gross. And rhymes with bud. Which makes me think oif when I played T-ball as a child….. ew.
Stick – Do you want splinters in uncomfortable places?
But my ALL TIME LEAST favorite, the title I LOATH with vehement hatred, is….
“Little YOURNAMEHERE. “
I’m sorry. Your dick is not a person. Your cock is not your consultant. Your discofuckstick is not capable of complex decision making. SO STOP TALKING TO IT LIKE ITS A VIABLE SOURCE OF INFORMATION!!
Little Xander, Little Steve, Little Tony, Little I WILL CUT OUT YOUR EYES YOU FUCKING INGRATE.
Its like reading that annoying Little Archie Comic that would show up in the Betty and Veronica digests (Actually I mostly read Jughead, Gay the way man, gay the way). But instead of small versions of the title characters… EVERYONE is a DICK!…. Maybe it IS just like reading Little Archie.
Little is synonymous with small, so I take this to mean that anyone who uses this epithet for their manhood has an IQ of a comparable size, maybe around 25. Unless the willy is young, I fail to see why you would use the term ‘Little’ in connection with it. If the todger in question IS abnormally young, writing about it in a sexual fashion is probably some kind of illegal, so please desist at once.
Other fun names I found here – http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Wikisaurus:penis
With my failure to input a Table in this blasted program I have endeavored to use creative layouting to get my point across in my rating system of this list.
Synonyms – Decent(ish) alternatives in Bold
Almost all of these are terrible. Decent alternatives are in GREEN,
Truly Heinous in Red, Could be saved in Orange.
|baloney pony (No, just no)|
|chopper (Does your penis have a meat cleaver attachment?)|
|diddly (creepy and childish)|
|dinger (North America)|
|disco stick – I want to see someone try to make this work. Go on, amaze me and you will get all the internets.|
|donger (Australian, UK)|
|joystick (Sounds a bit too ForeverAlone!Gamer for me)|
|knob (UK) (I’m a Brit and it’s funny. But I wouldn’t recommend it when the BIZNIZ is getting down.)|
|lollipop (DEAR GOD NO.)|
|love truncheon (Ow?)|
|male member (too clinical)|
|manhood (My friend doesn’t like this one, but I think it works when the manhood in question is still within the confines of pants. ‘Felt his manhood pressing against his/her thigh’)|
|meat [WS] (A bit animalistic but will do in a pinch)|
|member (Dull but works)|
|organ [WS] is an instrument|
|package – oh baby, I deliver.Not the greatest, but its descriptive and isn’t too weird. Works best when said package is still wrapped up in the confines of clothing. (Its my Dick in a Box)|
|phallus (Generally seen as too….literal?)|
|pee-pee (childish and thereby creepy and weird)|
|peter (Awkward if the character is also named Peter)|
|pink cigar (The only people I know who smoke cigars are older men…and my ex)|
|pizzle (Australian, UK)|
|pork sword (what?)|
|prick – I’ve seen this work. It can happen|
|pud (Where is this even from?|
|rod (of the MIGHTY) – Do not recommend, sounds violent|
|sausage (Cover it in relish and bite it in half)|
|shaft – This refers to a very specific part of the penis, so know your anatomy first.|
|snake [WS] (SNAKES IN MAH TROUSERS)|
|tadger (Australian, UK)|
|todger (Australian, UK)|
|trouser snake (I’M TIRED OF THESE SNAKES IN MAH MUTHAFUCKIN TROUSERS)|
|unit (Robots ahoy?)|
|weapon [WS] (Kinkmeme me some gun porn [with John Watson] and I might forgive you.)|
|whang (Does the ‘h’ make it classier?)|
|winky (is a house-elf. Bad image no?)|
|yard (obsolete, archaic)|
|The rest of these just seem either insulting, in reference to a specific animal, or a gross exaggeration.|
And there we go. I realize that this list is HIGHLY skewed to my personal preferences and I encourage a dialogue.
Which synonyms do you find sexy and why?
If you, my lovely reader, has any suggestions that should be added to the list, Alert me in all haste and I will add them in!